Jinxed?

I don’t know how many people want to be super-awesome in their lives. Most of the people I know are severely content and complacent with what they have and what they are.  They’re happy. And it baffles me. Or maybe I’m the idiot. The problem is that I know too many amazing people. And I want to be like them. Some of them. All of them. They unduly inspire me.

I’ve started to hold myself in contempt. I feel like I’ve wasted 19 precious years of my life.

“But you’re awesome! I wish I could be like you!”. I hear it every now and then but I’m never really proud of myself. There’s enormous room for improvement. There always is. And my definition of success keeps escalating. And I find myself struggling to achieve the next thing on my list.

I don’t know if I’ll ever truly love myself and be gratified.

I have a dream. Something that keeps nagging and etching at the back of my head, never really snoozes out. I want that. I want that badly. Desperately. That will be my definition of success. Maybe. Maybe not. I don’t really know. 

I have a friend who says I should make peace with myself, and that’ll help me grow. He says I’m terribly fucked up. Like, if I get into University of Southern California (#19) and my friend gets into Cornell (#5), I’ll be cribbing about not getting into Cornell and totally ignoring the sheer awesomeness of getting into USC. That makes a lot of sense? I guess. But sense doesn’t sink into me that easily.

I’m failing subjects. And I don’t give a shit. No, I do give a shit but I feel helpless. I’m not studying. I don’t want to study. I sleep crazy shit hours. Over the past month, I’ve slept for 10 hours daily. I’m always tired and languid and it’s like my head is going to burst. It feels like I’m dying. I’ve started to love and embrace the misery. If I catch myself being happy, I feel something horrible is going to happen. And it almost always does. I’m petrified of being happy. I might even have chronic depression.

With my fucked up academics, I’ll never get what I want. And the shittiest part is I don’t even want to try and clear this mess up. My confidence is shattered.

A quote keeps floating around in my head. “By doing nothing, you become nothing”.

I want to do nothing. I can spend the rest of my life staring into an abyss or the ocean. I love oceans.I can die staring at oceans. I bet it’ll be tranquilizing.

I’m just too tired of the clandestine tantrums life is throwing at me. It antagonizes me. I want to quit. Maybe I will…

Sweet Disposition
Never to soon
Oh, reckless abandon!
Like no one’s watching you..

PS: This is probably the crappiest blog-post I’ve written. I don’t expect you to visit my blog ever again.