I hate myself, why should I live?

Disclaimer: Not a blogpost, this is my answer on Quora to "I hate myself, why should I live?"

Let me first tell you My story:

It all started about 2 years back. Because of some personal failures. My depression would oscillate. There were times when I was extremely suicidal and times when I was just emotionless and cocky. About 6 months ago, the depression started to consume me. I would cry. A lot. At least twice a week. Even the slightest perturbations would get to me. And on May 12th, 2015 something happened. I woke up and started crying profusely. I couldn't breathe, I was terrified. It was horrible. The pain had to end. I had no reason live. I sat in the corner of my bathroom and started thinking. Something had to be done. A part of me was screaming, "Jump off the fucking terrace, you piece of shit!" and the other part was calmly saying, "You've just lost you way. You need to seek help."

Since I didn't have the guts to do the former, I got up, went down to my parents and told them I needed professional help. They knew all my problems and they also knew I was miserable, but they didn't know it was this extreme. 
What exactly was my problem? 

One failure --> Considered myself unworthy, a total crap --> Sadness --> Wanted to change myself --> Thought I wasn't talented --> More sadness --> Lost all my ability/Procrastinate --> Depression.

I was in a deadlock: I would be sad because I wasn't productive. I wasn't productive because I was sad.

And depression is like a black hole. Once you're in, it's gonna suck you in deeper.

My parents took me to a consultant. Not a psychiatrist. I was specifically told not to tell this to anybody because then people will think I'm crazy. But the world needs to know that depression is not a condition. And people who consult doctors for this are not crazy. I was given some anti-depressants and they tried to find the root cause of all my worries. They asked me to find the root cause of all my problems by posing questions. Why. Why. WHY.

The change: The anti-depressants just got my serotonin level up. Once I stopped taking them, I would go back to being crappy. Now it was up to me to get my life back on track. I started doing things I actually loved. I started writing on Quora a lot. I knew I was good at writing, was highly opinionated about a lot things and Quora was the perfect platform. I did not care for the upvotes or followers, I just started writing like a madman. In the past 3 months, I got 1k followers and over 20k upvotes. I get 3-4 messages per day telling me how amazing my answers are. 
I also started coding and took up random courses on Codecademy. I study CSE in a crappy college but I don't want to give lame excuses once I graduate. When it comes to technical skills, I want to be at par with my peers who come from awesome colleges and I'll do everything it takes me get there.
I'm so much more happy right now. Without the anti-depressants.

Why you should live: 
Okay, You don't want to live. You're getting such thoughts because you have way too much time. You need to engage yourself in activities. You need to start keeping yourself busy. So busy that you shut out such thoughts.
My vacations were going on last month, I did not sit at home and while my time away. I used to wake up early, water my garden, go jogging, joined a course, coded, read books, wrote about 40 really long answers, visited friends, met new people, extended my friend circle, explored my city and so much more. I had no time to think about miseries of life.

My advise to you:

• Take a day off. Go to an isolated area with a pen and a diary, sit down and think. Think about anything you want. Board any train of thought. Cry if you feel like. Cry how much ever you want. And then snap out of it.
• Question. Why. Why do you hate yourself? When you have an answer for it, question it again, question all your answers until you know the root cause.
  
  What's the root cause? Are you guilty of something you did? Or is it because you feel like you're good for nothing. If you're guilty of something, make amends. If you can't, then forget it.
  
  If it's because you feel like you're good for nothing, then you're mistaken. You just don't know what you're good at. Nobody is born without any talents. You're just unaware of it. Your happiness is with you, it's just behind you, out of your sight. You can't see it, but it's there.
• List out all the things you're good at. If you're good at none, no worries. List out things you want to do. And then Prioritize.
  For example, I want to write, code, do well in my acads, paint, quiz and give seminars/public talks.
  My priorities: Studies > Write > Code > Quiz > Seminars > Paint
• If you already know something, better yourself at it. If you don't know, learn. But stop giving the goddamn excuses, stop being lazy. It's a lot of hardwork. And it will take time. I've been writing for the past two years, it's not like I woke up one day to challenge J.K. Rowling.
• Practice. Until you're perfect.
• You will feel much better about yourself. You'll now be more confident. You'll feel worthy of something. 

Look, only you can pull yourself together and get out of the mess you're in. You need to stop undermining yourself. You need to trust your instincts.

Just imagine how your family and friends will feel if you die. You're being super selfish by not wanting to live. It will cause immense pain to your parents, remember that.

And you don't really want to die. You know that too. You just want to end the pain. Pain that comes from self-loathe.

Now go and do something to inspire yourself. Do something that will make you love yourself again. Seriously, life is not a joke.